Being Serendipitous

A Journal Entry of Vulnerability!

The beginning of 2024…

I have been on a high for the past month as things at work were looking up……

Without backtracking and reliving yet another heartbreak with all the sad details, suffice it to say….at this moment on Jan. 4, 2024, at 4:12 pm I am having an overwhelming feeling of “What in the hell are you doing with your life?” on the verge of tears as I sit here and wait for my first online work session to begin after the holiday break…..

This common theme or pattern has flowed for the past 3 and a half years! I set a goal or an intention on something I find joy in and then it begins to work out and the bumps in the road start to surface!

My brain is spinning, thinking incessantly what are you doing? Is this what you want? What is this journey for? To just get all excited for the hopes and the dreams that are determined by someone else’s fate going to determine mine? Every day for over a year now working, teaching, and learning about yoga and myself, I held my breath praying God please don't take this from me!!!!!!  My whole life has been a series of dreams that were half fulfilled from the start and the stop to the hot and the cold…always felt like I finally found it and worked so hard for it through trial and error and was tested and retested to see if it was really what I wanted, or so I thought.

Here sitting at this moment, thinking about the current circumstances, the dream of sharing yoga and meditations, and feeling deflated because, in 3 months of content creation and joy, I am left feeling like……ugh is this really what I want????? What am I doing? Is this fear popping up? A hormone surge? Exhaustion from reeling about the dream or convincing myself this is the path?

Not to discount my blessings or lessons that I have learned ….I AM GRATEFUL!!!! 

Why do I feel hollow and empty with no substance or excitement???

This is LIFE! Or say they say, I can not accept that!

There is a dread that looms over me, working for a company that I am trained and degreed to work for, it’s easy money, and stress-free, but the dread of sitting here for even just 30 minutes feels unbearable!

What sparked it? Where is this coming from? 

My children are gone for 5 days away with their father, I am alone and I am fine with that! Am I?

I was watching a movie called MONA LISA SMILE, dozing on and off to regenerate from my busy and productive time …found myself missing college, not my experience necessarily, but a new one…learning…learning about so many other things…….feeling like I missed out …there is always so much to learn and I love, love learning!

Then I think of Justin’s “Baca story”, What would you do if you only had a few months left on this earth and could do anything you want????? I quickly answered that question in my mind…

I would sell everything and move to Italy!!!!  I would go to learn about art, and culture, eat the food, and meet the people……to see and experience something different, new, and amazing!!!!!

Am I having an out-of-body experience? Or an out-of-mind one? I feel like I had these episodes when I was a child…..like I was not of this place, the not belonging or fitting in anywhere…

WANTING so badly to do something extraordinary!!!!!!! BUT WHAT???? Teach yoga? Work for someone who does not align with my joy? Teach online just to pay the bills???

So many questions????? Simple answer, YES! Because this is what the world demands even if it feels out of alignment.  UGH!

What am I doing??? Who am I serving? An imaginary group of lost souls that I think I can save or be a part of their saving… all because that is really what I want, to be saved? What I have always wanted someone to do for me…..save me from this place!!!!  The endless conversation in my mind that I have singularly to make sense of the feelings in my heart…

I feel and sound like a crazy person who is losing her mind!!!! Two days ago, I was on top of the world…..it felt like it was all falling into place and I had it figured it and it was coming together because I have faith, I trust, and I have surrendered!!!!!!!  And now I just really don’t know what has come over me!!!!?????

It just feels like a lot…….overwhelm!

When we make choices out of desperation are they the right choices? Do we just want an answer to confirm or affirm the place we are in? 

It feels like the mind questions everything when the body is feeling unsafe. Unsafe and feeling safe are very broad terms.  They say the body keeps the score, that the body knows before the mind, but we are so out of touch with our bodies that we believe everything the mind says.  We look for validation there and if we can’t find it, we search outside of ourselves, hoping and praying that something or someone will have the answer.

If we took the time to listen to the body and ignore the mind would it be easier? Yes, in theory! However most of us have experienced trauma in our lives where the body has created protective measures to keep us safe at the time, yet this is not that time anymore!

Yet over time, this creates a pattern of discomfort and uncertainty that becomes familiar and comfortable!  It is our way of being in the world. It feels out of alignment!

The truth is there is an easy way to do this and our world thrives on the easy way out! The quick fix and the instant gratification. WHY?  Somewhere along the way someone thought it was a good idea and it stuck because validation from others was the only way to survive!

It is hard to admit when you have no idea what to do or what you want because it is a perceived weakness.  My new truth as hard as it is to sit with, is that being vulnerable is a strength that few people embrace.  Appearing like you know what you are doing and having it all figured out is a way to be because it is valued and respected, if you announce you are lost that means you are somehow less than in the eyes of the world, or most of the world.  So we suffer silently, desperately grasping for anything to pull us out of it, instead of trusting the body, that something is off.  Even in the purest moment when the body is quiet and all is well the mind can jump in and and question your choice to keep you safe, it is all it knows until we take the power back and just say NO!  

When things are great and looking up, we even tend to question it, like I have done today!  Giving the same weight and value to every experience to find balance, is unnecessary.  You can work and not love it, but if it brings you some joy that is a good thing, does it mean it has to be forever? No!  You have a CHOICE! Choose to listen to your body and your heart or the outside world.

Just because you have a “Baca Moment”, does it mean it will magically appear either, you have to do the work! OOOFF! Wishing on shooting stars and praying for your dreams to materialize is just one part of it.  We also need to accept where we are with grace and compassion, focus on the intention, and take the steps while shifting the mindset.  Our minds our powerful, no doubt!  

So in following the feeling of “what in the hell am I doing” and the sadness that was heavy in my heart, I first shift the mindset…everything is temporary…change is the only constant…and FLOW is the intention.  To be in flow is to have balance and to have balance you need to work from a regulated space.  To be regulated you need to release the ICK!  Feel it, move through it, meditate on it, work it out, or even write it out.  No quick fix here! It is a process! 

Take the step, any step, big or small! Plant seeds of the life you desire in the life you are living now consistently nurture them and see what grows.

Leaning into vulnerability is a way to become radically honest with yourself, who is the only person that matters right now.  Listening to the body for a hell YES is the priority over the mind that says HELL NO!  Remember that the mind wants you safe and will fall into the old way of being until you teach it a NEW way of being!  

Here is the evolution of a panicky thought, to the conclusion that this is not yours to control.  The best thing to do is to show up and be consistent in what you love every day! The rest will work itself out.  All the energy we wasted worrying and freaking out gets us nowhere!  I am a recovering overthinker, people pleaser, and doormat! It feels yucky saying out loud and freeing at the same time!

So what the hell am I doing here?

I am here to love, give love, receive love, and share love!  I am here to share the love that fills my heart through all the ways that light me up and put that love out in the world!